FORGIVENESS: Understanding The Reason For Your Pain

There are issues of forgiveness in my life--both receiving and reciprocating it. There, I said it, now let me explain…

      I know that forgiveness is a choice, but I believe that is the first step in a “process” of forgiveness. I don’t think you can just suddenly find a place in your heart for forgiveness that wasn’t already there. You have to clean your heart out and make room for this new thing of forgiveness, think about that for a minute, because you had something in your heart for whoever you need to forgive and if it wasn’t forgiveness and love then you need to get rid of whatever it was and make room for the “new” thing you are going to let fill your heart about that person. You also have to clear out a place of love for the person you have forgiven, and that is going to be a process, and you are going to need the help of Jesus. This is where that old cliché rings true, it is easier said than done. It is possible though, and we must forgive others as God has forgiven us.

     In Matthew 6:9 Jesus begins teaching how we should pray and in The Lord’s Prayer verse 12 He says, ”And forgive our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” Down in verses 14 and 15 Jesus tells us that if we forgive we will be forgiven; if we don’t forgive we will not be forgiven. I think forgiveness is a serious enough issue that it needs to be lasting and active in our hearts.

      I think people believe they have forgiven when, in fact, they have not.  Forgiveness is an issue with more people than would probably be willing to admit, but for those of us with addiction in our past we have a hard time because the hurt others inflicted on us is the very root of our being drawn to an addiction in the first place. We were seeking something we didn’t get from important, impactful people in our lives and the hurt made us look for it in an external way even though the hurt was not external, it was and is internal. This is why The Answer is Jesus inside of us!

       It can also be the reason we seem to forgive and to take it back.

     I have what I consider relapses in forgiveness. Walking in forgiveness and all its wonderful glory one month (week or day) and wallowing in the shame and guilt of my past, and the anger of those who have hurt me the next. In other words, giving up my own already paid for forgiveness and rescinding any forgiveness I have already given to those who have hurt me. Now, this is not physically happening (I’m not telling anyone I no longer forgive them), but it is something that is taking place spiritually in my heart. This is why I think that the process of forgiving works better than just choosing to forgive.

      It took time and a process to hurt you, and it took time and a process for you to become damaged and broken from that hurt so it makes sense that giving this over to God is a process. He can do whatever needs to be done in a split second, but He knows that we need a process in order for it to become effective, active and lasting.

     Even our salvation is a process. Philippians 2:12 (NKJV) says, “...work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.” That part of the verse suggests to me that there is a process we will go through to “work out our salvation”. Our salvation is not a onetime thing it is a journey that we now travel with Jesus and the Holy Spirit inside of us and the destination is heaven where God the Father waits and longs for us. I do not mean that we can obtain our salvation through works, we cannot. I am saying that once we are saved it doesn't stop there, the journey goes on and there is a final destination.

     Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting we treat forgiveness as something we can give and take back and we are told that we must forgive even as our Father has forgiven us, but if we really do it in our hearts and not just with our mouths then it has to be done by understanding what the hurt has done and that it has caused the pain in our lives ultimately to bring us and glory to God!

      When we see that our pain even though caused and inflicted by someone else is the reason we came to God, we can, instead of holding anger and hate for them, actually begin to even be thankful to them, for without our testimony of what God saved us out of (the pain they inflicted) we would not know our Savior and we would not know the power of being set free and now the purpose of being used for His kingdom! 

     Everything with God and the “new” He does in us is supposed to change us from deep within so that we are indeed becoming “new creations in Him” and that what is happening in us is not only active and lasting so that we have an abundantly blessed life in Him, but that others see what He is doing in us and they can’t deny His power—at least in our life, even if they don’t want it for themselves. Someday they will.

                                                                                                           

      When Jesus went to the cross so that we could be forgiven it was not some light thing He just made a choice to do. First of all, that was the very reason He was born, to die for us, but as the time to actually give His life up for us was drawing nearer He asked God the Father if there was any way at all that He might not have to actually go through with it, Matthew 26:39 (NKJV), “He went a little farther and fell on His face and prayed, saying, ‘O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.’” Our Savior, “fell on His face” in distress and sorrow over what was about to happen to Him so that we could receive AND give forgiveness. It is serious!

     So how do we obtain and maintain forgiveness in our hearts and lives? Well, here’s what God has been showing me in my heart.

      I am referring to forgiveness from and for serious life issues, I am not referring to, for instance, someone took your usual seat at church and you got irritated with them and since last Sunday you have been snubbing them, they probably aren’t even aware of it and you bringing it up now will likely, only cause serious issues between you both— besides, those are the kind of issues that should be a quick and simple choice to forgive, they don’t need a process, they have not caused long term damage, and forgive these right away so that they don’t become bigger issues. I am talking about forgiveness for someone in your life who caused you some serious and deep pain and what you think is long term damage. God will show you it is not long term damage anymore! He is about to set you free!  

     Let’s say you have now made a choice to begin the process of forgiveness—will the decision be to now love them or just not think terrible, yes even hateful thoughts about them anymore or will it be to not think about them at all?  I asked God, what is the answer here? My heart got this—of course you ultimately want love to reign in your heart and God will honor that you have begun the “process” of forgiveness, because your heart is now in the state of readiness to forgive.  

     Ask Him to begin to really give you a love for that person and an understanding of their damage and pain. Hurt people, hurt people.   Even if you are aware of someone’s issues in life and what kind of damage and pain they have endured you do not know the extent of how deeply someone might be or has been hurt. Only God Himself knows just how deeply we have been wounded because He is the one who is going to heal our brokenness. A good start is to ask Him to give you an understanding that those who have hurt and harmed you have also suffered at the hands of another.

     There is purpose in pain. Kahlil Gibran wrote in his book, The Prophet, “…And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Some of you say, ‘Joy is greater than sorrow,’ and others say, ‘Nay, sorrow is the greater.’ But I say unto you, they are inseparable.” This is so true; we can’t enjoy the one without having experienced the other. We would not even know how to embrace joy if we had not endured sorrow.

     So if we can now look at our pain differently we can begin to look differently at those who were or are involved in causing or inflicting it.

     How boring and dull would this world be if there were no wounded people? Think about that, we all have pain and some degree of dysfunction in us and each one of us have a story to tell of how God is changing the pain of our past and making it into His beautiful story of redemption and creating in us the creations He always intended us to be. That my friend is exciting news—because we are part of God Almighty’s Destiny and there is nothing boring or dull about God and His plans! 

     Once we realize this we can begin to ask God the true purpose for the pain in our past because there is a purpose for it, I assure you that you did not suffer in vain. It is part of this wonderful plan that He has for your life and He will use your pain to heal someone else’s—that is just how God works. I don’t know about you, but that makes me (and the pain of my past) seem very special to God and His overall plan!

      I wanted to make sure that we all understand that forgiving as our Father forgave is the kind of forgiveness that will need His power active and lasting in us. He forgave us and offered up His Son for our forgiveness—not one of us could or would give up a child for anyone or anything!   

                                                                             

     I think we should talk more about pain and forgiveness, but I don’t want to overwhelm anyone—myself included. Remember I said in the beginning that I have my own issues with forgiveness so these are steps I’m taking and a process I am going through with some people in my own life. But, the good news is the Good News and Jesus is with me (and you) every step of the way.

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